I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize