I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
