i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
