Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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