Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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