What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
