I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
