Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
