2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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