Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
In other news, I just burned my penis
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize