I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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