Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
