I cannot find my penis.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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