Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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