It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
farters have to be the big spoon...
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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