It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
