the condom got lost in my hair
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
