Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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