I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
