I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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