Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
