thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
