Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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