I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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