I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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