I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
