I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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