Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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