Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
