You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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