oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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