How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
