you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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