12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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