I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
