if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Semen is not good for contacts.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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