OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize