just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
