I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
