So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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