Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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