My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize