Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
