I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
