I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
