I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize