you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
