you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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