News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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