i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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