i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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