Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
