I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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