I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
