I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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