Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
